One of the projects I made for the Stitcher's Dream Day Out was a Writer’s Compendium....a little folder to hold notepaper and envelopes, and a matching pen holder. As I mentioned in the previous blog, it will be released as a pattern when I remake it. I envisage it in these fabrics and colours, and with a few extra bits added.....you can never have too many “bits”!! What do you think?
Have I mentioned how much I LOVE the unit we’re living in now?? It's the cutest little place....
A lot of people can’t understand why I made the decision to go from a 30+ square house on acreage to unit living. But I can vouch for the concept of “downsizing”. I guess you just have to be in the mind-frame to do it, and it’s not for everyone, but at this time in my life, it’s perfect.
It’s quite a journey I’ve been on the last couple of years. It has been all at once lonely, confusing, enlightening and exhilarating. There were so many things I asked myself...."who am I?"....."what do I want?".....amongst them.
The first question was the hardest one to find an answer to. In the beginning after my marriage ended, I felt very alone and very isolated. I knew no-one in the same position as me, and felt that none of my friends or family understood. I’d been with John for 22 years. Last time I was on my own, I was a different person in every way.....emotionally, physically and mentally. Though I’d grown on so many levels since then, I had lost my identity along the way. I’d spent so many years being a wife, a mother, a daughter and a friend, that I had no clue who I was in my own right. I think that’s something that happens to most of us over the course of time as we go about our lives, for the most part living for everyone except ourselves.....
I found that everything I’d ever normally done held no interest to me anymore. I couldn’t bear to sit in front of the television. I couldn’t work.....my creativity was totally blocked. I was restless and lost. I went into total shut-down. The house became my prison and my haven at the same time. If it hadn’t been for the boys needing to live their lives, and the necessity of food, I could easily have become a hermit. My friends called, and I asked for time to sort myself out. I wasn’t unhappy, I wasn’t depressed.....I just needed to be alone to find some purpose in being me. I remember being fearful of losing the people I loved because I was just not visible. My friends are true in the sense of that word. I still have them in my life, and I'm grateful that they cared enough to allow me the time I needed back then.
I found myself wandering around the house aimlessly for the first couple of months. It’s so hard to describe what it was like. It was at this time, I happened across an avenue to work my way through what was happening. One night early on, I decided to listen to some music. I put on the Doobies....does anyone remember them?!. There began an amazing road of self-discovery and healing. John is ten years older than me, and had introduced me to a lot of music that was a bit before my time.....he often said I was born ten years too late J. I listened to everything we had from the late 60’s and early 70’s. It brought back memories and reminded me that there were some good times in our marriage.....it hadn’t been all bad. For better or worse, his influence had shaped me. Over the years, I’d learnt a lot of things I wouldn’t have learnt with anyone else. I was stronger and more independent than I probably would have been with someone else. He had introduced me to many things, and without him I wouldn’t have my children or have lived in the places or met the people I had over the years. His presence in my life had been part of my destiny. Any resentment and regret melted away. I carry virtually no baggage these days. John and I get on really well, and I’m grateful to him for that....he has made a huge effort to do the right thing by me now. There have been the odd rocky moments, but all in all, we’ve done this maturely and supported each other along the way. I respect him for that.
For the next six months I continued this journey through music. I listened to some stuff from my teens.....it made me smile cos it was full of memories. Lots of fun times, lots of teenage angst, lots of friends, lots of drama lol. I looked at old photos while I listened. I could see my younger self clearly now, though I hadn’t been able to at the time. It made me aware that I didn’t have to just “settle” ever again, and that though it wouldn’t be bad to look like I did back then, I wouldn’t want to go back to being that girl who had no idea of her worth.
That era exhausted, it was time to move into the present. I explored different genres. This was the turning point to discovering who I am now, and for the most part I quite like that person.....she’s alright lol.
And she decided that what she wanted was a more simple existence. I have discovered that "The Simple Life" is a fallacy, unless you want to become a Tibetan monk!! But de-cluttering and downsizing has made life a lot easier and less stressful.....no more being a slave to domestic duties, just a willing participant lol.
When I started this blog, it really was going to be a quick one lol. Sorry if it's a bit too long...it's a one-off....I think...I hope....and you probably hope as well!! I didn’t intend for it to become so personal, but the fingers kept typing and went with the flow of my mind. A part of me thought....I should delete this one. But another part says.....no, don’t. Perhaps my story can help someone else to understand themselves or someone they're close to.
I’ve come full circle now.....everything feels normal again, and I feel a contentment that I’ve never felt before.
Life is good.....